This is 30

December 2, 2022

I remember the day I turned 20. It was a horrible day. Not because of anything that did or did not happen, because to be totally honest I don’t think I did much that day. If memory serves me correctly it was a quiet day, dinner with the family, presents, good food and great company. There wasn’t anything that happened that made it such a horrible birthday, it was everything that the day stood for that overwhelmed me.

When I turned 20 I was immediately struck by how significant the next decade was going to be. Culture dictated that this was to be the decade when I’d graduate from university, buy a car, start my career, meet my husband, get engaged, get married, buy a house and start a family. In fact my personal goal was to have 3 kids by the time the decade came to a close. The pressure was unlike any other I had ever experienced. I kept telling myself that the world around me was inflicting this need to perform, to get it right, to tick all the boxes, make all the accomplishments and do it all with excellence. Every time a new birthday rolled around I grew less excited about the year ahead and more disappointed in all that I had not accomplished.

By the time I turned 25 my perspective began to shift, not because of anything significant that happened, but because life had happened and transformed me and my idea of what success was. By the time I was 25 I had graduated from university, bought a car and met the man I knew would be my husband. But that was all I had accomplished on my list of things the decade was supposed to hold.

I’m a few days shy of my 30th birthday and I’m once again thinking through all the things I thought would happen in this decade that simply won’t. Here’s how my list looks today:

✓ Graduate University

✓ Buy a Car

✖ Start my Career

✓ Meet my Husband

✓ Get Engaged

✓ Get Married

✖ Buy a House

✖ Start a Family

I think my 20’s were defined as the decade where I thought I HAD to do so many things to feel accomplished and successful, like if these things weren’t done I had failed somehow. And there were moments throughout my 20’s when I felt like a failure for not doing it quick enough or well enough. But when I think back over my 20’s and all that I accomplished I realize I actually blew my list out of the water in the best way possible.

In my 20’s I graduated from the number 2 University in the country with High Distinction, I volunteered faithfully at my local church as a small group leader, I became a children’s ministry coordinator and a youth pastor at the age of 21, I lead a youth ministry through a tumultuous season, I worked at a church, Babies R Us, a Gym, a Denominational Office, a Summer Camp and a Tech startup. I bought a car, moved across the country, met a boy, got married and got involved in a new church.

As I get to the end of my 20’s I find myself looking back to that first list I created on my 20th birthday, the list of things I thought I needed to accomplish to make this decade matter. Turns out that the things that truly mattered happened in-between all those big moments. I thought that life was all about the big moments, the jobs I had, the things I acquired, the life stages I moved up into - but in reality life was happening so beautifully in every moment in-between.

In my 20’s I survived heartbreak and came out stronger, I had a girls trip with my best friend, I drank wine on the living room floor, danced in hotel rooms with my best friends, learned to wake surf, listened to Taylor Swift at midnight, ate chinese food every Christmas Eve, collected hand written notes, screamed every song at a Jonas Brothers concert, read more books than I can count, sat around campfires in side yards, met Jillian Harris, cooked dinner with my family in my childhood kitchen, went to the Theatre, ran errands with my brother, volunteered at conferences, ate cupcakes in bed in New York City, held friends new babies, travelled to new cities, built beautiful friendships, collected mugs, found my favourite chai latte, and most importantly - became the person I am today.

The kind of person who feels things deeply, loves people wholeheartedly, cries during commercials and laughs hysterically at the worst jokes. The kind of person who can read a book in a day, who will be a swiftie till the day she dies, who would live her life in jeans and a t-shirt if she could, who loves the colour pink, white wine and rose. I’m a girl who loves romantic tragedies, my favourite book is The Great Gatsby, my favourite season is Fall but Christmas is my favourite holiday. I love the sound of leaves crunching under my feet and a bonfire crackling. My favourite smells are apple cinnamon spice candles and butter and garlic cooking on the stove. I love writing and speaking and I process everything out loud or on the page. I drink Green Tea with honey and I’m forever on the hunt to find the world’s best Chai Latte. I hate trying new things but I’m learning to do them anyways, I love to dance and I do it like nobody's watching. I love traditions and rules and structure, I overthink everything and I don’t think that will ever change so I’m learning to embrace it. I love “first kiss proposal snow” and the way the leaves change colours in the fall. I love flickering candles and hand written notes and a room full of people worshipping together.

You see I have come to learn that life, much like this past decade, is not defined by all the big moments and achievements that happen. Instead life is all about the small, everyday, ordinary moments that happen in-between. So what does this mean for the next decade? What do I want for the next 10 years? Well I’ll tell you this, I’m not going to make a list of things that HAVE to happen in my 30’s, rather, I’ll position my head and my heart to consider what MIGHT happen in the next 10 years and how many possibilities exist. Here’s what I hope for my 30’s:

I hope that I love people well. I hope that in my 30’s I make people my priority, that I show up when they need me, that I celebrate their joys and I sit with them in their heartache. I hope that I invest deeply in friendships and that I never lose the joy that comes from making new ones. I hope I keep dancing every time I hear music and laughing every time I feel so inclined. I hope that I chase opportunities to try something new, even when it scares me. I hope that I read more in the next 10 years than I did in the last. I hope I marvel at sunsets and chase quiet moments with those I love most. I hope that I remain open and ready for what God might want to do in me and through me. I hope I learn to think less and live more. I hope that I keep crying profusely, it means I still have a heart and it’s beating wildly for the people and moments around me. I hope to keep building a beautiful, faith filled, Jesus centred marriage with the one I love most. I hope that I travel to new places and soak up new memories in new cities. I hope that I might have thick skin and a soft heart, that I would find the confidence to step wholeheartedly into what God might have for me. I hope that I'll honour who I am and where I’ve been and still create space for who I’m becoming. I hope my 30’s come with less pressure to perform and more grace to just be. I hope I keep writing and sharing and getting up in front of people and sharing what’s on my heart. And I’m not sure but maybe my 30’s will be the decade in which I finally write a book - and if not, that’s ok :) Maybe they’ll just be the years I put thoughts down on paper again with no fear, so shame and no regrets.

30 feels really freeing, really exciting, full of possibility and hope and opportunity. Despite the pressure, I loved my 20’s, if I was to do them over I wouldn’t change a thing - I learned so much and every moment over the last 10 years has brought me to where I am today. I’m ready to turn 30, ready to turn the page and start a new chapter in a book that just keeps getting better.

So here’s to a new decade, a new adventure, and all the joy its going to bring my way. I’m so ready.